writing essays is not fun..

gosh..its so hard to write essay on your trades. I dont know what I am gonna write...guess I should take a nap ; ;) first...

weird things..

so with gladly bailed on by some friends, I thought to netflix this movie call 'Butterfly effect'. Nice movie but anyways so I slept after the movie and saw this crazy dream where someone shot me in toe and it was hurting big time. Woke up with pain in my toe and found it pretty swollen.

I dont know who the hell came in my dream and broke it. It is so freaking weird that I have no explanation whatsoever besides it hurts so much and took me into the point where I am kind of enjoying the pain and the facts which tell me that am a FOOL....

Venturing out on a positive note..

so finally moved to the new city, new apartment and presumably a new life. Denver was eating me up with memories which never seemed to fade away.

I hope this time, I will come strong and walk on my feet again but be whatever it can be, I will try my best to be the the best I can.

New place brings lots cf challenges but at the same time it brings excitement and all sort of new things. I hope this time, taking a turn wont have me wrecked into some messed up things again although I kind of like my messed up life now. Its pretty much like having a taste in licking my own wounds:).

write again..am sorry!!

Sorry to hurt your feeling but you know how it was. I was looking for your presence and was going down and didnt see you around and acted on my impulse.

Believe or not..your blog is one of the things i cherish when am low on energy so dont snatch that out of me..start it again or else I will beat your cute ass..rather..I will spank it..wink wink..remember this sentence and how you said that i dont have access to it..lol..do i have now??

Mi Amor!!

A walk in memory lane....

There are somethings you can never forget and they keep bouncing back and forth. Sometime you push them or cover them with the fine layers within brain cores but it is unavoidable.

Even today some of the moments flashes back and I find myself standing in front of the beach, looking towards the endless powerful full of water full of experience full of waves ‘ the ocean’. I see these vendors selling their stuffs to people. I see families walking around, children playing on sand and I see myself standing while everything seems moving. I see that even the sun who was laughing at me from the top or probably was there to be with me, finally giving up on me and setting or sinking itself into the sea. My feet are getting tired but my hopes my wishes my trust keep them strong and moving. I see my friend sitting a little far from me, silently looking at the sea. We were not talking but still communicating rather even more.

Time is ticking so are my heart beats. A different excitement a different energy as if I am living in dream. A real dream!! Thousands of cars are passing by and it feels like every person is looking at me and I am looking at them. Trying to find the familiar face, the face I have so longed for. A face which is so real yet feels like a dream. It is like a shadow which goes away if you walk towards it but it come towards you when you walk away from it. So close but still so far. Isn’t it amazing that even the shadow which always stand by us, is something unusual, something very complex.

I start walking and every place gives me a feeling that someone just pass by from here. Someone am chasing all my life and yet so far. I am feeling so light so alleviated. Seems like I have moved into a different energy zone where directions, time, place and people don’t matter anymore. Like a hallucination, like an ecstasy like euphoria I am just floating, flying with my arms stretched bcoz my energy, my source of inspiration and the heart beats pumping in me was coming out from someone else. Aaah It was a painful but beautiful phase I just lived. A Priceless and precious one.

Everything has become so alive today as if it never was over!!! Still feeling to wait for that tap on my shoulder so that I can look back till than a nice fresh breeze from the sea is my companionJ.

Bubbly sparkly steamy love!!

Wow, so far the best moment I lived in after a long time. Although I must admit you are as silly as you were before but no one is better than my cute silly princess. Lol!! Your smile, your laugh on my stupid talks and your heartbeats are blowing the hell out of me. I mean seriously, If it were in my hand I would have twisted tangled chocked the throat of time and kissed you at that very moment so that it lasts forever. Yeah kind of very wild wild scary way but isn’t it passionate? You know how much I am passionate about you and the steam that shows up even when your voice vibrates through every pour of mine. When your lips leave that electrifying kiss, leaving my whole body shivering and stiffining. you twisting and turing , rolling me around with you...yummy!! Yeah I am in kind of naughty mood right now and just remembered the last time when I heard you. Baby come to me some day…I am longing for you, craving for you:).....

and best, living for you..just for you!!

Sending this in your dream tonight, be ready to rumble!!

Kiss mi amor!!

dumbfounded!!!

I am puzzled. Puzzled coz I am the only person on this earth who was blessed, blessed with such an amazing soul and could feel the spiritual vibes through her. I guess I was so blessed that even the thing called god got jealous and he set it up for me to loose it with agony and pain. This pain which is burning me very deep inside and sometime takes me to the point where I feel like giving up on everything completely. once and for all. It compels me to ask the question as why..why it is so difficult every time when anything has to do with me or my presence. Why could not I live without having such a heavenly presence and now when I realize the fact how much empty I am. I need to write it all down to make myself understand that it is just not about 2 people but it includes all the surroundings which is slowing evolving as a monster trying to eat me inside out but still keep me alive to bear the pain. I ask what is so wrong, is it something as am I being chosen to set forth an example? I was never like this before till I surrendered myself completely in front of you but then why I let loose it right infornt of me. It is still there so close yet so far. Close enough for me to have before I tomorrow’s sunlight but far enough only to wait till next life.

All I can say is that I am waiting for a miracle or havoc!! In either case, I now understood that I don’t have any other option and desire left to walk with hands held down!! Just be my miracle or death..but you be the one!!! Pls!!

krazy stupid me!!

Not able to stop getting into the memories which were a part of real me back in past. All the time when we were together and time stopped to look at how much love was pouring into, how we used to melt with each other and this feeling is just getting better in me. Extensively intensified!! I just wish that you would not be going through the same feeling its just killing me slowly but surely. I don’t know what to do to divert my mind. Everything just seems to have your impact on me. It suddenly just come from nowhere and pierce right through my heart, taking away my soul to an endless journey, leaving behind stiff, twisted body on floor.

I still see myself standing there and looking at that silhouette who just kept going away from me. I am still standing there my baby and oh my god what a feeling it is that I can literally walk the fire for you. Just for you!! Fuck..I am so much in love with you that I have gone numb. Nothing amazed me anymore, nothing make me feel any pain. It is all with you. I want to live or burn just in your memories. All the love and pain you gave me was precious and I guess it reached to a point where everything was magical. All the moments, the love we had, the time we spent together , the sound of your breath resonates in my ears, your heartbeat pacing with mine and the glow in your skin with my kiss. Your getting awake with bad dreams and me sitting whole night kept watching you sleep peacefully. I guess I lived the best of my life in just watching you sleep. I have been feeling this all along and you won’t believe how much it has changed me in and out.

I won’t complain, I won’t say a single word. I will just smile whenever I get to hear you and I will keep living till it lasts wishing that you be fine wherever you are. May be time runs the race against me but its okay. As long as the last smile I see on your face is coz of me, I will find myself staying inside me peacefully.

No matter where you are, how you going to be, all I know that I am not able to complete the circle of life coz the broken piece which fits it perfectly is you my princess and nothing else can replace it but you!!

Strange!!

This comes as a strange, most unusual thing for me and so hard to understand If I were looking at me from anyone else’s eyes but yeah it still happens and may be forever will happen to me. I am talking about knowing or feeling everything even though you are not in front me. It is strange coz it tells me all the time and never ever went wrong for me to know if you are not ok. Out of sudden, I started feeling very uneasy and was trying to reach you coz I knew you were not ok. My heart was telling me that you are not ok and I wanted to make sure you are safe.

And here I am, knowing the fact that it was again right that you were sick and I could feel it. I don’t know why it keep happening to me and probably if I were a better person, there could have been nothing more perfect than having you in my life forever but well I can live with this fact forever that no matter how I am, I will always love you till the end of this life and probably even after that.

I want you to get well soon and cherish the beauty of this life with no more trouble, if still my wishes can be heard I would like to take all the pain of your life and live with it and it will be a treasure that even though your pains, at least I am going to live all my life with anything belonging to you.

Get well soon Princess. Everyone wants you to get better and flourish everything with your presence.

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